What Are You Writing?

[S.W.A.T.K.]

Well, it seems I've deleted this thread already, but I'll try avoid doing that this time. ;D

You know how it works: Chat about whatever you like, but at the bottom of each post, include something about whateveritisyou'rewriting. It can be a short-story, another post, poetry, a school-paper, or a full-length novel. You get the idea.

Have fun! (again)

[Griffin2448]

Okay, now that this thread is back, I would like to post the first few paragraphs to my story. Keep in mind that it could still undergo many changes, but this is some of the base ideas. Here you go:

There it was. The one thing I had traveled so long to get. The only thing that could win this war. It was just sitting there, as I watched it. The only problem was I couldn’t sit here for too long. I was being shot at after escaping custody from the New World Government. The N.W.G. had chased me around for months. They had captured many of friends in their attempt to reach me. In the beginning all I was trying to do was find my father. But now I was trying to get this thing. All I knew about this object is that it carried many natural powers that could make any person leader of the world. I had to retrieve it in order to stop the N.W.G. from getting it. They had this leader, Victor Slade, that thought he could take whatever he wanted. But before I get too far into that, I need to update you about what’s happened with the world.

In 2023, Victor Slade got elected into the United States Congress as an independent party. He called it the N.W. Party. At the time, no one had really known what N.W. meant. But now, with all the posters and television broadcasts, we know it stands for New World. This suggested that Slade wanted to be head of the government, to change things within and completely alter what was once known as the United States of America.

At the end of 2035, an election year, Slade ran for president. He had promises of lowering taxes, stopping crime, and lowering oil prices that were, at the time, $25.00 a gallon. He got elected with a whopping 91% approval rating. His first action as president was cancelling the sale of foreign cars inside the U.S. borders. This circulated some money back into America’s straining economy. The U.S. had a bit of spending money so Victor made a daring move and bought British Columbia in Canada. They quickly got it approved as a state, and British Columbia made America’s 51st state. With the land up north, Slade ordered oil companies to start drilling there. After much conflict, the American people agreed to let the companies drill there. We found much more oil than originally anticipated, and Slade stopped shipments of foreign oil into the United States. This got a lot of money into the economy and almost out of dept. There was still one country that Slade needed to deal with.

With the money from drilling in British Columbia, Slade opened many factories in Montana that produced various items that were a part of American’s everyday lives. With the factories producing these items, Slade halted all shipments coming from China. But we were still in a large amount of debt with China. So to make some of it up, we started sending them items. This dramatically decreased our debt with China.

At the same time as Slade was fixing the American economy, there was a war going on in Eastern Europe. U.S. troops were helping allies in this war, but Slade pulled all American troops back into the borders of the United States. Quickly after doing this, Slade increased the defense system the United States had. This made it virtually impossible to attack the U.S. by air or sea. Also by pulling back American troops, we didn’t have to fund supplies being shipped overseas.

Please leave me feedback!

[S.W.A.T.K.]

Not bad. It is an interesting plot, and you seem to have the gist of it down pretty well. What you focus on now is the presentation/wording.

Like, when I first start reading this, it sounds like the character talking, which is good. But as you start going into the details, it loses some flavor, if you know what I mean. It's a lot dryer.

I think it starts at "He had promises ... " Try to make it more natural; don't lose your character's voice in the information. Of course, it's understandable, since there's so much information to give. So, what I might try, if I were you, is spreading the information around throughout the book -- not too much, of course. Then again, I think this could easily be fixed with a few changes here and there to make the character's feelings (about the events) clear as he's telling you about them. I assume he isn't very happy about it, so see if you can make him sound unhappy. Yeah, that's probably the best option. Go with that. ^^

Anyway, that's my input; hope it was helpful.

:: Just developed my next "bad guy." He's one of the only two who genuinely have para-human abilities from the start. Pretty much every other "bad guy" is totally normal in that respect. Although, there is one superpowered "good guy" later on.

[Griffin2448]

Hmmmm... Thanks. I'll take out a bit of info and spread it out some. And I'll try some more things on the character sounding voicey thing, and see if I can make it better. Thanks!

;D

[S.W.A.T.K.]

Anytime.

:: Started writing the next scene. Jake and Chance playing chess as they discuss their next course of action. They've decided that they need to prepare, and now they're discussing what exactly how to go about preparing themselves. Chance needs to learn how to fight, and Jake needs to learn how to use a handgun as effectively as he does the missile-systems on his jet.

[Sky]

Good job Griffin! ;D

I have some paragraphs of my story written also:


The early morning mist was heavy over the sand dunes as a gentle breeze rustled the ferns in front of the entrance to a nursery that was a burrow in the sand. The other burrows were dens for a pack of pure white wolves. The whole camp was silent, and it seemed uninhabited. It was just before dawn, and the pack would soon be waking.

But before the camp could awaken, a tiny white pup sneaked out of the nursery. Into the vast unknown the wolf pup traveled, in hopes of being the first of her den mates to discover the thing that the elders told about in their stories: the White Cherry Orchard. She heard that the cherries were delicious, and in the shape of a heart. Rare, you might ask? Most definitely. Although they may be rare and delicious, they are also very dangerous. If you eat more than three of these heart-shaped cherries, you will fall into a deep sleep that you won’t awaken from for a very long time. The reason being is because they are naturally filled with a sleeping drug.

The little pup didn’t plan on eating any; she just planned on finding the orchard and possibly bringing back a cherry or two as proof. What she didn’t plan on, however, was another set of tiny paws following her. The other set of paws belonged to another wolf pup, but he wasn’t pure white. Instead, he is black with white flame-like designs on his sides. His underside is white, and his paws are white. Some of his face is white as well.

When the little white she-wolf stopped to rest, the black and white wolf decided that this was his chance. He hid behind a bush that was close to his unsuspecting den mate. After waiting what seemed like an eternity, he pounced.

“Gotcha!” The black and white wolf shouted. “Did I scare you?”

The white she-wolf pushed him off and leapt to up on her paws. “No, Whitepup, you didn’t. I figured you’d be following me.” She replied angrily.

The black and white wolf stood up and replied, “You should’ve seen your face though, Silverpup, you were totally scared. I know you were!”

Silverpup glared at Whitepup and shot back, “I was not! And before you say anything else, I’m going home!” She started off in the opposite direction.

Whitepup ran in persuit. When he caught up, Silverpup tackled him.

“Oh no you don’t! You aren’t about to follow me again, Whitepup, you hear me? I’m going back home alone!” Silverpup dashed off again.

Whitepup stood up and sighed. Silverpup was really determined to go home by herself. Then he had an idea. When Silverpup got back, he would go and find the Cherry Orchard by himself. To make sure Silverpup got back safely, Whitepup would follow her from a safe distance. Then after that, he would be free to discover what Silverpup meant to in the first place.


Please give me some feedback!

[S.W.A.T.K.]

Well, you wanted feedback, so here goes.

All right, so it's a pretty good start. You don't jump into seriousness too suddenly -- in fact, I almost felt comfortable wherever they are. The writing quality was good at times, but there are a few things here and there I want to address.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. The opening paragraph conveys the information, which is fine, but the goal isn't just to define. Remember, you're painting a picture. For instance, you say, "The early morning mist was heavy over the sand dunes as a gentle breeze rustled the ferns in front of the entrance to a nursery that was a burrow in the sand," which tells me that the mist was heavy and that the nursery was a burrow in the sand. But rather than telling me what is, try giving me some action. People like action. You could say, "The early morning mist fell heavily over the sand dunes as a gentle breeze rustled the ferns, who stood guard at the opening of a small burrow. This was the nursery entrance." Or something like that. Of course, everyone has a different style, so you might choose to go about this a different way, but it really does help to let actions provide the details -- for some reason, it just plays better.

Okay, thing two, and this is a big one -- stick with one tense. In the middle of saying what was, you start in, telling us what is. "She heard that the cherries were delicious, and in the shape of a heart. Rare, you might ask? Most definitely. Although they may be rare and delicious, they are also very dangerous. If you eat..." See? You go from "She heard" to "they are." It has switched to present tense. The same thing happens when you describe the black-and-white pup. "...he wasn’t pure white. Instead, he is black..." He wasn't white -- he is black. Doesn't really work.
Now, you can use the present tense if you want to, but if you are going to do that, please use it all the way through. The Hunger Games was written this way, and it actually worked really well, since it drew you in more than it would have in past-tense. The author used the past tense only when describing what happened before the "now." So, make sure that when you're writing, you keep to just one. *wags finger* ;D

Okay, thing three: "The reason being is because..." Woah. That's a little much, Sky. lol. Just say something like, "This is because they act as a natural sedative." That sounds a lot better than "The reason being is because they are naturally filled with a sleeping drug." Again, word choice is totally up to you, but the phrase "the reason being is because" is completely redundant. You can use "the reason being," but then it would have to be a part of the previous sentence. You can use "The reason is," as the start of the sentence. And you can use "because" as part of the previous sentence. But you can't put them all together.

The last thing is the last thing. You describe Whitepup's plan to follow Silverpup, but you might also try just saying that he plans to follow her, and then inject a thought of his, like you did when you said, "Most definitely." earlier. Also, I'm a bit confused at the phrase, "he would be free to discover what Silverpup meant to in the first place." "What Silverpup meant to" what? Discover? Or are you missing a verb? ;D

That's it. Anyway, I hope I didn't traumatize you too much. You can't imagine how much I had to change when I picked up a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style. ;D Revision is just another part of writing we all have to deal with.

What I would recommend for you is this: put your words on paper, and read them aloud to yourself. You're bound to find something that has a sound you don't quite like, a word you don't quite agree with, or a typo you don't quite believe you could have made -- remember, you're writing to please an audience of one, so it just has to be good to you; that's when it becomes good to the rest of us. But there are always some basic rules you have to watch for, but beyond those, you are free to write as you please. Some prefer the passive voice (what was), others the active voice (what happened). The trick is finding the right balance for you.

Well, I'm rambling, which means it's time for me to stop. Keep writin', you two! You're both too good at it to let it go to waste.

:: One of the first scenes for the third "season" just popped into my head. It's gonna be fun to say "Hello" to Amelia. ;D (And yes, I have four books in my head, all ready to be scrawled onto some old notebook paper. If only I weren't so slow... lol)

[Sky]

*Sigh* I guess it needs more work than I thought...... But thanks for the feedback SWATK. You really have given me something to think about.

I actually did have it on paper before I posted it.... but I kinda wrote it in a hurry (I guess it's obvious)

Whitepup was going to be free to discover the White Cherry Orchard like Silverpup planned to. That's what I meant....

[S.W.A.T.K.]

Yeah, seriously, don't worry about it. I revise my work every day (I've rewritten the first page at least three times now), and, in fact, any famous writer will tell you that it's the revisions that take up the most of his time, because it's just something writers have to do over and over and over and so on and so forth. You should see Steven King's rough draft of 1408 -- he changed a lot, including one of the main characters' names. It isn't that you're a bad writer -- no, I actually look forward to reading whatever else you manage to put to paper -- it's just that you've only written a rough draft. And those always need revising. I have never ever been able to hand in a rough draft to my English IV teacher and still manage to get a good grade. Revision's just part of it.

So really, don't worry about it.

It's good that you have it on paper -- I think that helps make it more personal, which gives it style -- but it's really the reading-it-aloud part that I want to emphasize. That really helps you catch mistakes you made the first time around, I think. (I've been known to just cut off midsentence for no apparent reason, sometimes. It's a silly mistake, but I do it a lot. ;D) As for the hurrying, I suggest taking your time. I get along very slowly in my work, but it's an art; there's no need to rush it. Once you get the rhythm down, though, you'll move much faster, trust me.

In other news, I plan to have a piece of my own work up sometime, though, due to my paranoia regarding copyright, I'm tempted to either pm or e-mail it to you both, rather than post it on a Proboards forum because doing so gives them the right to call it their own. Also, I should warn you that I won't have the piece ready too soon, since I'll be frantically -- you guessed it -- revising.

[Griffin2448]

Now that I had time to actually sit down and read this, good job Sky! I would like to read more! ;D

And SWATK if you need my email, its on my profile. I have three that I currently "use" and that is one of them.

And something small about my story; Slade's a democrat!

[Sky]

That makes a difference.....

:: I've designed a type of tree that is the only tree the deserts contain. It's called a platform tree and it's branches are broad and flat, like platforms. The wolves can climb these trees because all you have to do is jump from platform to platform. Whitefang was born at the top of a platform tree on the border of the Black and White Deserts. That is the source of his color, plus the fact that his mother is white and his father is black. (I'm not being racist, it's a fact ) ::

[S.W.A.T.K.]

All right, so update on my stuff: I have loads of notebook paper with my story all over it, but in order to edit it properly, I would need a computer and several hours. I'm supposed to have a laptop soon, but I don't know when soon is. So, until then, I'm stuck just waiting about, writing new scenes, and shooting lawn gnomes with shotguns.

:: Anyway, I've added an entirely new dimension to my story. See, I'm actually going to have Chance narrate the whole thing. . . sort of. Honestly, I haven't decided if I want the story to be in first person, or if I want to switch between first and third, like I'm doing now. Let me explain what I'm talking about: At the beginning, you're going to get a short scene with Chance in an interrogation room. Lieutenant Steele tells him to confess, and Chance then proceeds to tell him, from the beginning, everything. Sort of. You get to hear Chance's entire narrative throughout the story, in between my own, third-person narrative. Chance gives very basic details and commentary while I provide the more specific stuff. Really, though, I might just write the whole thing in first-person. I guess I'll try writing it both ways, and see which you guys like best. Griffin should be back from Austria by that time.

[Griffin2448]

Cool. And Im in Rome right now. ;D

I will update you more on my story as I have time!

[Sky]

Very nice SWATK. And Griffin, I wish you would hurry up and get home so that I might be able to come to your house again, or you could come to mine....

:: I have updated a main character's name-- Twilight to Twilightmask. I figured her name was a little too short for a Desert Wolf. Names require 2 parts, and her name only had 1 part. ::

[Griffin2448]

Awesome. And four more days until I'm on the plane headed home! And I finally read your posts by the way, and very cool. ;D